Assess the request.

Ask yourself whether you really want to say yes or no. Be true to yourself. It serves no-one for you to deny your real feelings. Ask for clarification if you don't fully understand what is requested of you. If you're still not sure, say you need time to think it over. Giving the other person a date and time when you'll get back to them with your answer will help take the pressure off you. If you suspect manipulation or if the other person demands an immediate answer then avoid getting into a power play (even if you think that's what they're seeking!). This is just a request, it can't become more unless you make it more. Give your best answer and leave it at that.

Get clear about your answer.

Once you have decided to say 'No' then make it clear you are turning down the request, not the individual. You can give a reason for your answer if you wish to, but you aren't obliged to. If you do give feedback then don't make the other person "wrong" for asking. Avoid responding with phrases such as "How could you ask me that?", " or "You know I don't want to do that." Whatever you do, avoid elaborate explanations and justifications (as they may give the impression you are seeking further persuasion and/or that you are being deceptive.) Of course, if you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to help her/him out, offer a compromise or alternative solution: "I will not be able to help out for the whole day, but I can be there you between 3pm and 6pm. Or perhaps you could use my help on the day before?"

Consider the other person's perspective.

Remember that whoever you are turning down deserves a clear answer, even if you feel they're being less than direct with you. Always seek to decline gracefully. Allow the other person to "save face" wherever possible. Remember that if the person is from a different gender/ culture/ background to you then some aspects of your communication are more likely to be "read" differently to how you intend them. In such situations you will need to be extra vigilant for misunderstandings. If the person you are refusing is from a different cultural background you may wish to research and adopt refusal tactics that show respect for their native communication style.

Communicate with congruence.

Consider actually using the word "No" when declining. "No" is far less ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so...". However, also be aware that some people will find such a direct refusal offensive. If you wish to maintain a positive relationship with the person consider what you know of their communication style. Construct your answer accordingly. If you decide to explain your decision then say "I won't" or "I've decided not to" rather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This shows that you have made a distinct choice. If you sound unsure the other person may infer that you are willing to negotiate. Furthermore, make sure your non-verbal gestures mirror your verbal messages. For instance, shake your head or use other, culturally appropriate, body language signals.

Stay true to your choice.

If it's a legitimate request (and not an expectation of acquiescence) then your polite refusal will be accepted gracefully. However, with some people you may have to decline several times. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your selected version of "No". You may want to acknowledge any feelings the other person has about your refusal, "I know you are disappointed about this, but I won't be able to...". You may choose to apologise for breaking a previous promise to be available. However, you don't usually need to say "I'm sorry". Remember that you can change your mind and say "No" to a request you originally said "Yes" to. You always retain the right to refuse.

Ensure that the environment supports you.

If the other person continues to remain resistant to hearing you, then reinforce your message through your stance and environment. For example, according to your abilities and environmental options you may wish to "stand tall", move into a chair with a higher seat or change your posture to one that suggests you are finishing the conversation. As a last resort you may become silent and leave the immediate environment. You have a right to end the conversation - take care of your own needs so that when you receive your next request you'll be free from resentment!

About the Author:

Elizabeth Gallagher is a Human Development Facilitator, Hypnotherapist and Coach. To find out how she can help you optimise your personal and professional growth, visit www.wisecaterpillar.com.

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